I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
