Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
