Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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