I wanna bring you to show and tell
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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