Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
