I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Randomize
