My Higher Power is John Stamos
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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