just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
