my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
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