I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
This gyro tastes like lonliness
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
