I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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