I got chris browned last night
I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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