I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
