I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Randomize
