Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Randomize
