all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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