I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
