I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
This house was built for laser tag.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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