Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Randomize
