those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
