Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I supernannyed him into submission
Randomize
