sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
