This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
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