My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
His hands were made for my vagina.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Your cock deserves a montage
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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