i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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