Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
