Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Randomize
