why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
i love accidental penises.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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