I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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