Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
