i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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