I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
