She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
