I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
