By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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