hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Randomize
