she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
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