i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
