I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
