Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
