he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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