The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize