I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
