dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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