Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
