she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
