Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
so much tequila, so little girl.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
