Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Randomize
