I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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