haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
