Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
