i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
