I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
it hurts more in the daytime
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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