Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
