Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize