First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Randomize
