Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
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